Life Ain't Always Beautiful...

Life ain't always beautiful. Sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart.

Ten years ago today, I can say was when I first experienced the kind of heartbreak and loss that you never will get over. Ten years ago today, my life took a turn that shook me to my core. Ten years ago today, was the first time I truly felt broken. Ten years ago today...my father died.

To this day I still have tears that sting my eyes. I miss him so dearly. I have accepted that his is no longer with us and has gone to a better place than I can ever imagine. But my heartaches for all that he has missed in these last ten years and my heartaches for me and all the times I have needed him and his guidance.

But the struggle makes you stronger. And the changes make you wise. And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

My life has struggles...deep struggles...and today I need that guidance from him more than anything. Unless he was angry or felt he was wronged, my father was never a big spoken man. If he sensed something was wrong, he would take me for cheeseburgers at McDonalds in his convertible. Even if the spring air still had the chill in it, he would put the top down so we could feel the wind tossle our hair. He would suggest doing something like go to a baseball game, or a bike ride, or watch a Star Trek movie..knowing that these aren't my favorite activities, but it's time well spent together. Or we would just go driving. He would drum out the beat of the oldies that he loved listening to on the steering wheel singing along so carefree that I had to join him. I need him to sit on the couch with me, put his arm around me and hold me close as I cry...He would always say to me that things would work out, "Just you wait and see. I'm right on this, ya know." I need my dad.

We all have that person...the one that always fixes things...even if it's just temporary. I lost that person ten years ago, and that spot has remained vacant. And I so desparately need that spot filled today. Because today my heart is aching once again...I feel crushed...my struggles are making me feel weak and unwise...Happiness seems to be eluding me right now.

Someone reminded me yesterday that we determine our own happiness and we cannot rely on someone else to make us happy. I whole heartedly agree with this. The moments when I am feeling happy...when I feel things are turning in the right direction...the rug is yanked from under my feet and I find myself once again on the floor crying and feeling nothing but miserable and weak.

No, life aint always beautiful. But I know I'll be fine. Hey, life aint always beautiful. But its a beautiful ride.

No...life and proven over and over to me that it's not always beautiful...and yes, every time I'm fine...I survive... But I'm tired of "Fine". I want to be able to honestly say "I'm great!!!" when someone asks me. I want to do more than just survive. I want to thrive! And I want to be able to enjoy this beautiful ride...