And so it goes...

Though I have not read Slaughter House Five by Kurt Vonnegut, I have been told that he writes the phrase "And so it goes..." each time someone was killed.

Part of me was killed last night...

And now I am picking up the pieces of what I still have and trying to figure out my next move. For the first time in a long while, part of me is at peace...

My Anchor...

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

To build on my last post...when I find myself in times of struggle and hardship...this song is always brought to the front of my mind. My ship is beyond battered right now...I know it can weather many more storms. But when the weather of our life is really beating us, it's best to lower our anchor and put faith in it to hold us through the storm.

It makes me feel guilty yet full of relief whenever I use my anchor. Guilty that I only seem to rely on it when times get hard. I never anchor in peaceful waters...I wonder why that is... The relief comes in the knowledge that I can still rely on my anchor. My anchor gives me strength and courage. My anchor heals my heart so that I can begin to forgive.

So tonight...while the storm in my heart surges...I will pray...for strength...for wisdom...for courage...for guidance...for forgiveness...for love...for my husband...for our children...for our home and for the vows and commitments we made nine and half years ago.

Yes...God is my anchor...and my anchor will hold...in spite of this storm...

Spirit of a storm...

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I can't sleep...Just had another one of those talks and I'm exhausted. I don't understand how he can snore like a baby, when my brain doesn't shut down. I want answers...he wants sleep. I want to seek answers...he wants to self reflect. My mind and heart and soul are so restless...yet peace eludes me...

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood
I can’t find a way to calm the sea
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed
Right now they’ve got the best of me

I want to cry...my tears are sitting right on the edge of my eyes...but when do I have time? I keep telling myself that this won't last. I pray...I hope...I long...yet nights like tonight it feels liek my efforts are in vain. I silently grieve and wonder why I cannot give up hope so easily...wonder why I have to be the fighter...wonder how much longer I can carry us before I falter.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
Every time I think it’s gone away
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I see those glimmers so very often...they shine so brightly...it's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders and I can finally stand up again. Then it all hits me once again...a sucker punch...a back handed slap...a pain that makes you want to drop to your knees and cry out. Yet somehow I have learned to stay silent, seek out a new drawer of hope, open a new window for sunshine.

Way deep down it feels like everything will smooth out...yet I also feel a really sense of pain that I cannot even begin to imagine. I just miss my husband...