Horoscopes...

"It's hard for you to know where to jump in today, for your thoughts are racing at a mile a minute, but there's no real starting point. Your inner world is rather complex and it feels like it would take too much explaining to share even the simplest idea. You know exactly what's going on, but may choose to remain silent now. Don't force yourself to talk if you don't want to; there's always tomorrow."

Some days these are just too uncanny...too right on.

And truly...if I could just crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head to just avoid talking at all...I think I'd take that opportunity...at least today I would.

And wouldn't fate have it...the days I want to just talk...that opportunity doesn't arise either.

It's like a vicious cycle to teach us self survival, or something equally as unenjoyable. Or perhaps it's to put us into situations where we are forced out of our comfort zone and required to open up to avoid total catastrophe but risking hurting someone...or perhaps the opposite happens and it actually draws two people together...or perhaps give us the clarity to make it through one more day peacefully.

We all cross our fingers and say a little prayer in hopes for one of the latter two. Shouldn't we all be so lucky to have our cards fall that way?

Life Ain't Always Beautiful...

Life ain't always beautiful. Sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart.

Ten years ago today, I can say was when I first experienced the kind of heartbreak and loss that you never will get over. Ten years ago today, my life took a turn that shook me to my core. Ten years ago today, was the first time I truly felt broken. Ten years ago today...my father died.

To this day I still have tears that sting my eyes. I miss him so dearly. I have accepted that his is no longer with us and has gone to a better place than I can ever imagine. But my heartaches for all that he has missed in these last ten years and my heartaches for me and all the times I have needed him and his guidance.

But the struggle makes you stronger. And the changes make you wise. And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

My life has struggles...deep struggles...and today I need that guidance from him more than anything. Unless he was angry or felt he was wronged, my father was never a big spoken man. If he sensed something was wrong, he would take me for cheeseburgers at McDonalds in his convertible. Even if the spring air still had the chill in it, he would put the top down so we could feel the wind tossle our hair. He would suggest doing something like go to a baseball game, or a bike ride, or watch a Star Trek movie..knowing that these aren't my favorite activities, but it's time well spent together. Or we would just go driving. He would drum out the beat of the oldies that he loved listening to on the steering wheel singing along so carefree that I had to join him. I need him to sit on the couch with me, put his arm around me and hold me close as I cry...He would always say to me that things would work out, "Just you wait and see. I'm right on this, ya know." I need my dad.

We all have that person...the one that always fixes things...even if it's just temporary. I lost that person ten years ago, and that spot has remained vacant. And I so desparately need that spot filled today. Because today my heart is aching once again...I feel crushed...my struggles are making me feel weak and unwise...Happiness seems to be eluding me right now.

Someone reminded me yesterday that we determine our own happiness and we cannot rely on someone else to make us happy. I whole heartedly agree with this. The moments when I am feeling happy...when I feel things are turning in the right direction...the rug is yanked from under my feet and I find myself once again on the floor crying and feeling nothing but miserable and weak.

No, life aint always beautiful. But I know I'll be fine. Hey, life aint always beautiful. But its a beautiful ride.

No...life and proven over and over to me that it's not always beautiful...and yes, every time I'm fine...I survive... But I'm tired of "Fine". I want to be able to honestly say "I'm great!!!" when someone asks me. I want to do more than just survive. I want to thrive! And I want to be able to enjoy this beautiful ride...

C25K W2 R2: Take 2

Oy Vey!!!

So last week went horribly. I'm not sure what was up with me...besides I was tired. But I only did 2 of the 3 runs...and they were both bad. So yesterday I decided that I was doing the week over again and at 10:30pm again...did W2R1 again. Such a different run compared to either of them last week. I maintained a 9:31 pace for 4 of the 6 intervals (run 90 sec walk 120 sec)...with my first two being the slowest.

Now...the dumb part? I felt so great...and I had so much energy...that "smart" me decided to do R2 tonight! The smart part is that over all...it felt great! Did a 9:31 pace for all six intervals. But two things...#1: the last set is where I realized that my knees were really starting to hurt, after all...I'm not in my 20s anymore :-) and #2: they trick you because the last running interval is actually 120 seconds not 90!!! WTF?!

Anyways...I am going to wait until Wed now before I do R3...should I feel the need to burn some energy tomorrow night...I will bike or do the eliptical or something...no running...not even walking tomorrow. Oh...and I decided that when I run...I'm only wearing my cutsie little skirts...shorts twist and ride and yuck! Now...I just need to get a few more...thankfully I like the ones at Target!!

C25K W2 R1

FUCK!

I mean...Jess...that run Rocked!

For the rest of you FUCK! I couldn't even finish the last two intervals...Instead of running the full 90 seconds...I cut out after 60 and walked. And I did the last to at a 10:32 pace. Ok...pardon my french...but I was really disappointed in myself after such good runs last week.

Probably didn't help that I did it at 10:30pm...or that I ate at a greasy spoon diner 3 hours earlier. UGH. I need to get home where I an disciplined with my food...and I'm not doing crazy crap like running at 10:30pm...

So better run next time, I hope...

Throwing in the towel...

A trip I was planning for the first weekend in May has now been moved to Memorial Day weekend because Josh just "HAS" to do something for work...

A mini-vacation to the Mall of America two weeks from now has been postponed indefinitely because Josh agreed to watch our nephew that weekend and I'm not taking an extra child with us.

Our 10 year anniversary trip will most likely be canceled because Josh feels it's important for him to go to this conference in Chicago for a week in August...and since he's now self employed he has to fund the entire trip...plus cover for the income he will not be making that week while he's gone.

I don't know why I even bother.

St Paul...

So everything is in the skywalk system up here in St. Paul, MN. Our hotel, the client, banks, eateries, Macy's, and even schools. We walk past many of these establishments going from the hotel to the client each day.

And every day I cannot help but laugh (mostly internal now) at the sign that's posted in all the banks windows. "{ Insert Bank Name } does not allow guns on the premise." Including with such sign a picture of a hand gun. Seriously, is this a problem up here?! People walking around loaded down with lapto bags, cell phones, lunch bags...Oh and let's not forget the rifle today! Seriously?!

Guess next week I'll leave my combination AK 57 oozie radar laser triple-barrel double-scoped heat-seekin shotgun at home. Bummer!

C25K W1 R2 of 3

Boy oh Boy! that run was much harder than it was on Monday...perhaps because I pushed myself to keep a 9:05 pace for each interval this time...I'm dog tired masser...dog tired! But I feel great! Now that I have "learned" to sweat...feeling it run down my face, back and even chest is revitalizing!

One thing I did tonight that I didn't do on Monday to be mindful of the music I selected for my cool down. I turned on my "Workout Jams" playlist on Monday...and I kept walking for another mile...but my bum hurt yesterday and still today. After talking with a few other runners...this program is designed to not exceed the program time limit...so I should just do a cool down once my music stops...so tonight I turned on my "Chill" playlist...I have definitely cooled down much faster tonight than I did on Monday. Ok...so sitting on the floor of my hotel room with the temp moved down to 65 with only my skivvies and sports bra on has helped too...

Now I'm just chilling listening to my calming music...downing water and typing...trying to decide when I'll get my third run in for the week.

Good run!