Spirit of a storm...

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I can't sleep...Just had another one of those talks and I'm exhausted. I don't understand how he can snore like a baby, when my brain doesn't shut down. I want answers...he wants sleep. I want to seek answers...he wants to self reflect. My mind and heart and soul are so restless...yet peace eludes me...

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood
I can’t find a way to calm the sea
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed
Right now they’ve got the best of me

I want to cry...my tears are sitting right on the edge of my eyes...but when do I have time? I keep telling myself that this won't last. I pray...I hope...I long...yet nights like tonight it feels liek my efforts are in vain. I silently grieve and wonder why I cannot give up hope so easily...wonder why I have to be the fighter...wonder how much longer I can carry us before I falter.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
Every time I think it’s gone away
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I see those glimmers so very often...they shine so brightly...it's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders and I can finally stand up again. Then it all hits me once again...a sucker punch...a back handed slap...a pain that makes you want to drop to your knees and cry out. Yet somehow I have learned to stay silent, seek out a new drawer of hope, open a new window for sunshine.

Way deep down it feels like everything will smooth out...yet I also feel a really sense of pain that I cannot even begin to imagine. I just miss my husband...