Falling in love...

Trying to gain more prospective...better myself...do what it takes to strengthen my marriage...I have listened to many of my friends and got a copy of "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman off of Amazon. So far I'm at least intrigued.

The premise of the book is that there are five languages of that we speak. And one of the five is the language we need to hear in order for our "Love Tank" to be full. Those languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. The end of the book there is an assessment to help you determine what your love language is...and there is one for your spouse to complete. The author states that in order to full our spouses love tank to give them fulfillment in love is to learn to speak their language...and vice versa.

The book goes through what each of these languages mean and what you can do to learn to speak a specific language. It also helps you gain a better understanding of the language you need to hear. But before the author goes in to these languages, he discusses love and what it is...and what it takes to keep a love tank full...and he has a chapter dedicated to falling in love. This is the chapter that I read last night.

The author refers to some research that states that falling in love is not really love...it's more a state of a euphoria. This immediately made me say "Huh? How is falling in love not real love? Isn't love just that? Love?" He goes further to say that once a couple gets past the falling in love stage (said to last about two years) that is when the work for that real love starts...this is also when people don't realize that you have to work for love and they give up. He gave three reasons why it is said that falling in love isn't really love.

1. Falling in love is not an act of will or a conscious choice.
   
2. Falling in love is not real love because it is effortless.


3. One who is "in love" in not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person.

This got me to thinking. I met my husband back in high school, though we dated off and on for two years before we became a permanent item, I remember being in that state of falling in love. I don't really recall making the transition from falling in love to loving him, but I can recall times in the past 16 years that both of us have stopped working on loving the other person. We are in one of those spots now.

It's not that we don't love each other because we do...but that love that is needed to endure anything is what we are learning to do again. It's not easy to be here but we are both working on it. "Nothing will work unless you do" ~ Maya Angelou is the quote that I came across many months ago and I have made that my status message on GoogleTalk. It is my constant reminder to keep my end of the bargin to be a better wife and to work on that third point, to make sure that I am doing my part to help my husband be a better husband.

We are working on that "real love" that Mr. Chapman spends the rest of his book talking about. I'm hoping that once I'm done that I can talk my husband in to reading this book as well, but for now...I'm just waiting for him to ask me what I'm reading.

Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days...

Sometimes I'm mesmerized at how my parents and grandparents made growing up and older appear so seamless and easy...as a child, I don't ever remember seeing my parents hit any major bumps. I know as children we were protected from seeing problems, but by time I was old enough to notice...things seem to be ironed out. So why is it that these days...seamless and easy...aren't even part of my everyday vocabulary?

During both eulogies for my grandparents the pastor dedicated a large portion of his talk about how my grandparents were true partners. They were each other's greatest compliments. They challenged each other from completing the daily crossword puzzle first to last minute entertaining of many dinner guests. My grandfather was a lawyer, law professor and dean...but I'm told that he always said his biggest challenge would be if her were to meet up with my Grandmother in a court room. The stories I'm told are of a perfect love affair that lasted beyond the 60 years they were married.

I'm sitting at home tonight...Josh is gone on a trip with his brother and both boys are asleep...and I'm listening to music feeling reflective. Thinking about the things going on in my life...taking and assessment that I am truly doing everything I can to make each day better that the one before. The song Grandpa begins to play...and I think about how I would love to sit down with my grandpa and say:

Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good old days
Sometimes it feels like, this worlds gone crazy.
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong
Didn't seem so hazy.

Grandpa, everything is changing fast
We call it progress, but I just don't know
And Grandpa, let's wonder back into the past
Paint me a picture of long ago.

I would then ask:

Did lovers really fall in love to stay?
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept?
Not just something they would say and then forget?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?

Oh Grandpa...tell me 'bout the good old days......

What I Learned This Week

I saw this over on Jess's page...and figured it's been a while since I've done this.

I've learned that "sometimes...there's those times...it's gotta be you."

I've learned that when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope...I can alway find more patience stored away to hang on just a little longer.

I've learned that butterflies will always be butterflies.

I've learned once again that I have really awesome friends!

I've learned that laughter truly is a great medicine.

I've learned that smacking someone in the ass with a volleyball generates great laughter!

I've learned that no matter how closely I watch her in the yard...Cede will always come up with a frog to eat.

I've learned that the sun is another good medicine.

I've learned that no matter what...the things that calm you...will forever calm you.

I'm alive and well...

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard

Everybody’s got their share of battle scars

As for me I’d like to think my lucky stars

thatI’m alive, and well

Life’s been hard…and I’m not quite sure the wounds have scarred up yet…but yes…I’m alive and can honestly say I’m doing well…

It’d be easy to add up all the pain

And all the dreams you set and watch go up in flames

Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain

But not me, I’m alive

There’s a time in life when you have to realize that new dreams need to be made. To me that doesn’t mean drastic changes. There’s no need to pack up and move, no need to seek out new friends, and no need to abandon the life you have come to know. A drastic change can come from an attitude adjustment, admitting faults to begin righting wrongs, or simply offering forgiveness. That would require you not to dwell on the things that have gone wrong, so that you can move forward…

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight

It’s good for the soul, and there’s not a sole in
sight

But this motors caught it wind and brought me back to
life

Now I’m alive, and well

Life…Love…the hope and potential for happiness once again has been seen and felt. My sails are once again full. My energy for life is back!

And today you know that’s good enough for me

Breathing in and out is a blessing can’t you
see

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Now I’m alive, and well

Yeah I’m alive, and well

The fact that I can say that I’m alive and well is a blessing. It is more than a blessing. The feeling of fresh air in my lungs gives me the courage to face what lies ahead.

And so it goes...

Though I have not read Slaughter House Five by Kurt Vonnegut, I have been told that he writes the phrase "And so it goes..." each time someone was killed.

Part of me was killed last night...

And now I am picking up the pieces of what I still have and trying to figure out my next move. For the first time in a long while, part of me is at peace...

My Anchor...

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

To build on my last post...when I find myself in times of struggle and hardship...this song is always brought to the front of my mind. My ship is beyond battered right now...I know it can weather many more storms. But when the weather of our life is really beating us, it's best to lower our anchor and put faith in it to hold us through the storm.

It makes me feel guilty yet full of relief whenever I use my anchor. Guilty that I only seem to rely on it when times get hard. I never anchor in peaceful waters...I wonder why that is... The relief comes in the knowledge that I can still rely on my anchor. My anchor gives me strength and courage. My anchor heals my heart so that I can begin to forgive.

So tonight...while the storm in my heart surges...I will pray...for strength...for wisdom...for courage...for guidance...for forgiveness...for love...for my husband...for our children...for our home and for the vows and commitments we made nine and half years ago.

Yes...God is my anchor...and my anchor will hold...in spite of this storm...

Spirit of a storm...

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I can't sleep...Just had another one of those talks and I'm exhausted. I don't understand how he can snore like a baby, when my brain doesn't shut down. I want answers...he wants sleep. I want to seek answers...he wants to self reflect. My mind and heart and soul are so restless...yet peace eludes me...

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood
I can’t find a way to calm the sea
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed
Right now they’ve got the best of me

I want to cry...my tears are sitting right on the edge of my eyes...but when do I have time? I keep telling myself that this won't last. I pray...I hope...I long...yet nights like tonight it feels liek my efforts are in vain. I silently grieve and wonder why I cannot give up hope so easily...wonder why I have to be the fighter...wonder how much longer I can carry us before I falter.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul
Every time I think it’s gone away
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul.

I see those glimmers so very often...they shine so brightly...it's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders and I can finally stand up again. Then it all hits me once again...a sucker punch...a back handed slap...a pain that makes you want to drop to your knees and cry out. Yet somehow I have learned to stay silent, seek out a new drawer of hope, open a new window for sunshine.

Way deep down it feels like everything will smooth out...yet I also feel a really sense of pain that I cannot even begin to imagine. I just miss my husband...

Horoscopes...

"It's hard for you to know where to jump in today, for your thoughts are racing at a mile a minute, but there's no real starting point. Your inner world is rather complex and it feels like it would take too much explaining to share even the simplest idea. You know exactly what's going on, but may choose to remain silent now. Don't force yourself to talk if you don't want to; there's always tomorrow."

Some days these are just too uncanny...too right on.

And truly...if I could just crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head to just avoid talking at all...I think I'd take that opportunity...at least today I would.

And wouldn't fate have it...the days I want to just talk...that opportunity doesn't arise either.

It's like a vicious cycle to teach us self survival, or something equally as unenjoyable. Or perhaps it's to put us into situations where we are forced out of our comfort zone and required to open up to avoid total catastrophe but risking hurting someone...or perhaps the opposite happens and it actually draws two people together...or perhaps give us the clarity to make it through one more day peacefully.

We all cross our fingers and say a little prayer in hopes for one of the latter two. Shouldn't we all be so lucky to have our cards fall that way?

Life Ain't Always Beautiful...

Life ain't always beautiful. Sometimes it's just plain hard. Life can knock you down, it can break your heart.

Ten years ago today, I can say was when I first experienced the kind of heartbreak and loss that you never will get over. Ten years ago today, my life took a turn that shook me to my core. Ten years ago today, was the first time I truly felt broken. Ten years ago today...my father died.

To this day I still have tears that sting my eyes. I miss him so dearly. I have accepted that his is no longer with us and has gone to a better place than I can ever imagine. But my heartaches for all that he has missed in these last ten years and my heartaches for me and all the times I have needed him and his guidance.

But the struggle makes you stronger. And the changes make you wise. And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

My life has struggles...deep struggles...and today I need that guidance from him more than anything. Unless he was angry or felt he was wronged, my father was never a big spoken man. If he sensed something was wrong, he would take me for cheeseburgers at McDonalds in his convertible. Even if the spring air still had the chill in it, he would put the top down so we could feel the wind tossle our hair. He would suggest doing something like go to a baseball game, or a bike ride, or watch a Star Trek movie..knowing that these aren't my favorite activities, but it's time well spent together. Or we would just go driving. He would drum out the beat of the oldies that he loved listening to on the steering wheel singing along so carefree that I had to join him. I need him to sit on the couch with me, put his arm around me and hold me close as I cry...He would always say to me that things would work out, "Just you wait and see. I'm right on this, ya know." I need my dad.

We all have that person...the one that always fixes things...even if it's just temporary. I lost that person ten years ago, and that spot has remained vacant. And I so desparately need that spot filled today. Because today my heart is aching once again...I feel crushed...my struggles are making me feel weak and unwise...Happiness seems to be eluding me right now.

Someone reminded me yesterday that we determine our own happiness and we cannot rely on someone else to make us happy. I whole heartedly agree with this. The moments when I am feeling happy...when I feel things are turning in the right direction...the rug is yanked from under my feet and I find myself once again on the floor crying and feeling nothing but miserable and weak.

No, life aint always beautiful. But I know I'll be fine. Hey, life aint always beautiful. But its a beautiful ride.

No...life and proven over and over to me that it's not always beautiful...and yes, every time I'm fine...I survive... But I'm tired of "Fine". I want to be able to honestly say "I'm great!!!" when someone asks me. I want to do more than just survive. I want to thrive! And I want to be able to enjoy this beautiful ride...

C25K W2 R2: Take 2

Oy Vey!!!

So last week went horribly. I'm not sure what was up with me...besides I was tired. But I only did 2 of the 3 runs...and they were both bad. So yesterday I decided that I was doing the week over again and at 10:30pm again...did W2R1 again. Such a different run compared to either of them last week. I maintained a 9:31 pace for 4 of the 6 intervals (run 90 sec walk 120 sec)...with my first two being the slowest.

Now...the dumb part? I felt so great...and I had so much energy...that "smart" me decided to do R2 tonight! The smart part is that over all...it felt great! Did a 9:31 pace for all six intervals. But two things...#1: the last set is where I realized that my knees were really starting to hurt, after all...I'm not in my 20s anymore :-) and #2: they trick you because the last running interval is actually 120 seconds not 90!!! WTF?!

Anyways...I am going to wait until Wed now before I do R3...should I feel the need to burn some energy tomorrow night...I will bike or do the eliptical or something...no running...not even walking tomorrow. Oh...and I decided that when I run...I'm only wearing my cutsie little skirts...shorts twist and ride and yuck! Now...I just need to get a few more...thankfully I like the ones at Target!!

C25K W2 R1

FUCK!

I mean...Jess...that run Rocked!

For the rest of you FUCK! I couldn't even finish the last two intervals...Instead of running the full 90 seconds...I cut out after 60 and walked. And I did the last to at a 10:32 pace. Ok...pardon my french...but I was really disappointed in myself after such good runs last week.

Probably didn't help that I did it at 10:30pm...or that I ate at a greasy spoon diner 3 hours earlier. UGH. I need to get home where I an disciplined with my food...and I'm not doing crazy crap like running at 10:30pm...

So better run next time, I hope...

Throwing in the towel...

A trip I was planning for the first weekend in May has now been moved to Memorial Day weekend because Josh just "HAS" to do something for work...

A mini-vacation to the Mall of America two weeks from now has been postponed indefinitely because Josh agreed to watch our nephew that weekend and I'm not taking an extra child with us.

Our 10 year anniversary trip will most likely be canceled because Josh feels it's important for him to go to this conference in Chicago for a week in August...and since he's now self employed he has to fund the entire trip...plus cover for the income he will not be making that week while he's gone.

I don't know why I even bother.

St Paul...

So everything is in the skywalk system up here in St. Paul, MN. Our hotel, the client, banks, eateries, Macy's, and even schools. We walk past many of these establishments going from the hotel to the client each day.

And every day I cannot help but laugh (mostly internal now) at the sign that's posted in all the banks windows. "{ Insert Bank Name } does not allow guns on the premise." Including with such sign a picture of a hand gun. Seriously, is this a problem up here?! People walking around loaded down with lapto bags, cell phones, lunch bags...Oh and let's not forget the rifle today! Seriously?!

Guess next week I'll leave my combination AK 57 oozie radar laser triple-barrel double-scoped heat-seekin shotgun at home. Bummer!

C25K W1 R2 of 3

Boy oh Boy! that run was much harder than it was on Monday...perhaps because I pushed myself to keep a 9:05 pace for each interval this time...I'm dog tired masser...dog tired! But I feel great! Now that I have "learned" to sweat...feeling it run down my face, back and even chest is revitalizing!

One thing I did tonight that I didn't do on Monday to be mindful of the music I selected for my cool down. I turned on my "Workout Jams" playlist on Monday...and I kept walking for another mile...but my bum hurt yesterday and still today. After talking with a few other runners...this program is designed to not exceed the program time limit...so I should just do a cool down once my music stops...so tonight I turned on my "Chill" playlist...I have definitely cooled down much faster tonight than I did on Monday. Ok...so sitting on the floor of my hotel room with the temp moved down to 65 with only my skivvies and sports bra on has helped too...

Now I'm just chilling listening to my calming music...downing water and typing...trying to decide when I'll get my third run in for the week.

Good run!

C25K Week 1: Run 1of 3

Ok...So I started my running program yesterday. It is the same running program I do every year to get back in to condition. Granted, if I wasn't lazy and kept up with running all winter, I shouldn't have to do this...but oh well!

I do the Podrunner - C25K. And then continue on with their 5K-10K program. Pretty good programs - though I wish the music was different on it. Oh well...once I get to the end of the program (9 weeks for the 5K) I can go back to my rock music!!! Nice goal :-)

Anyways...Typically I run at an 11min pace on the treaddy...and knowing that when I run outside, my pace is always faster. So I pushed myself at a 9:31 pace last night...and I actually felt really good. My goal is to get to a 9min pace for a 10K this year.

Here's to a good start of my 2009 running season! ;-)

stuff

So...I'm frustrated with Blogger...seems that I can't log into my blog without jumping through a variety of hoops...and it's getting frustrated.

That being said...I feel I have gone through the gauntlet of emotions today. I'm sure a large part of it has to do with me being tired. But I really seem to be suffering from CRS today. Seriously...

I think tonight after work...I'm going to go run...eat a light supper...and then spend the evening reading a book. No computer tonight!

Really...I'm severely blah right now...and I can't shake it.

More Lessons...

I have learned that no matter how happy you are for someone, or how much you support them...the evil green of envy can still rear it's ugly head.

I've learned that carrying your stress really becomes a pain in the neck, and back, and shoulders...and heck even the ASS!

I've learned that it makes me really happy when my kids are estatic that they receive books in the mail every month.

I've learned that Legoland is a good bribery for good behavior in school ;-)

I've learned that no matter how hard I try...I will never be a morning person.

I've learned that a tummy tuck costs $7200, which really sucks :-(

I've learned that no matter how many lists I make I'll always forget something.

Et tu, Brute?

I remember studying the play Julius Caesar by Shakespeare back in high school. Caesar was warned to be wary of the Ides of March...I'm not superstitious...but they say nothing good ever happens on the Ides of March...it's a jinxed day.

Every year, when I get my planner refill, I always write Ides of March on 3/15. Not sure why, but I do. It's become my day I suppose...I loved that day...and as the years went on, it seems that elements of that day brought about nothing but joy and happiness.

So then why now, in 2009, has the day left me thinking "Et tu, Brute?"

What I've learned...

I've learned that I can easily waste a full day on the internet.

I've learned that no matter how hard I think I have it...someone close to me always seems to be going through something worse...so I should really relax.

I've learned that I need to get back in to exercising to help me reduce stress.

I've learned that I'm horrible at keeping up with my blog ;-)

I've learned that as much as I love my job, I love reading bedtime stories to my kids more.

I've learned that...I need to pay better attention.

Since it's been almost a year...

...I figured it is about time to start actually doing the finishing touches on the house. Ok...so really Josh needs to get a job first before we start spending loads of money, I get that.

I have been searching for the furniture I want in each room, paint, window treatments, and accessories...and MAN ALIVE!!! Things are expensive! I can see me easily sinking $5000 into the living room alone...ACK! Ok...so that includes the TV, but just that dollar amount alone makes me feel guilty!

We are starting on Ty's room this weekend. I don't think Josh is appreciating the fact that the comforter I have picked out is from Pottery Barn Kids...but in my defense...it is one that he can grown into and have for quite a while. And it 's not like I am going to buy the sheets and stuff from there...that's what Kohl's and Target is for!!!

Anyways...bigger house, I should expect it to cost a lot more to finish...I'm just trying to get over the sticker shock!

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

Ok...so it's not Monday anymore, and it's not raining...but still...

I used to love Mondays. Loved them...but in the past year I have grown to really detest them. Especially when I am waking up in a hotel bed on Monday morning...

But I've been kind of grumbly and seclusive since getting up on Monday...I need something to get past this little funk I'm in.

So it's been a while...

Isn't it funny how quickly life gets away from us? I'm taking a few minutes and catching up on everyone's blogs and well...thought I should post too.

Let's see...We survived Christmas...Busy Season officially started for work...I fried my BlackBerry and am now in the process of getting my new one back how I like it...I'm running out of things for Josh's Honey-Do list...My Remicade treatments are going great and appear to be working wonders!...

It is my goal to start running again this week. I have not done so since October and well...I think that is part of the reason I'm feeling so run down.

So that's about it for now...hoping to update my pictures soon...