Death...and Thankfulness...

Nine and a half years ago, my world was turned upsided down when my grandmother called me at work to let me know that my father just died in a car accident. To this day, I still miss him and tear up in my moments alone thinking about him. I also smile and laugh when people reminice about his antics or we are someplace that we knew Dad would love. It is my belief that he is in a better place, and I can do nothing but rejoice in that.

I was never really close with my grandmother. We visited often as kids; Dad would take us to their house a lot of the weekends when Mom was working. We'd talk with Grandma for bit, but then head into the woods, out to the tool shed or up to the pasture/garden with Grandpa. Some of my best memories at their house involved spending time with Grandpa. So, it didn't really surprise me when Grandma and I grew even further apart after Dad died. I still drug my family to every picnic and Christmas Eve...this was my father's family...this was my connection to him.

I was sad and grieved when my mother called to say that Grandpa had passed away. But what made his death hurt even worse was that I felt I lost another part of my father. Josh tried to comfort me with the reminder that Grandpa was now in Heaven with Dad. It helped but my spirit was still crushed. We all said that Grandma will probably go shortly after him...or in spite of us all...will live another 5 years...And that she did! :-)

Back in October, the phone calls went around that Grandma was in the hospital and not doing well. Mom had visited and advised that us kids should go and visit as well. In 86 years, Grandma had survived colon and breast cancer...and the outcome was that the cancer was back. She was too weak to withstand chemo or radiation. So the plan was set...she just wanted to go home...and her wish was granted.

This year's Thanksgiving was an odd one...or should I say different. My dad's older sister and her two daughters joined us for the first time ever (that I can remember). They had stopped and visited Grandma on the way. Their report was not a good one. Grandma was not expected to make it through the weekend. We spent the evening talking about my grandparents and my father...and how to most of my father's siblings and my grandparents, death was approached with nothing but fear. Fear and devastation.

It was once said by my grandpa that you're never know true devastation until you have to bury your own child. Death was never talked about, nor were the people who have died. I don't recall ever hearing my grandparents saying my father's name after his death. And while I only saw my grandma twice a year, I don't recall ever hearing her say a word about grandpa in the last five years. Only my one aunt would really talk to me about my dad, and she was the one who was at Mom's tonight.

Knowing my aunt's report on Grandma, a quiet anxiety overcame me. I ate dinner, but I don't really remember it. I drank probably a little more wine than I should have while playing a pathetic game of dominos.

My anxiety was replaced by deep grief when my phone rang at 8:30 this evening and seeing that it was my oldest aunt, that would never just call me. Grandma passed away around 7:15 tonight. I love my Grandma...I am deeply saddened by her passing...and as I stated above rejoice that she is in a better place now...a place with my father and grandfather.

But now I cannot sleep...tears keep coming...I once again have lost another part of my father and it is crushing me. Tonight, I had a great time with my aunt and cousins...it's a reminder that parts of my father are still around for me to be thankful for and enjoy. This is something that will get me to move forward am definitely thankful for...